One of my sad days

I guess today is one of my sad days and how I wish there were more single mothers on my due date board. I feel so out of place among them sometimes. They all talk about how sweet their significant other is while me I can't talk about how sweet my significant other is because he is non existant. I am happy they all have the support and someone there working beside them getting things ready for the new baby. I wanted things to be like that for McKenzie but it did not work out like that.

I cry sometimes when I see the mom's from my due date club make posts about their husband,fiancee, or boyfriend doing this or that for them. I know how pathetic huh? But it hurts. Than on top of that I am glad they don't have to feel like me and cry almost every day.

This blog helps me so much. I have people that are listed as followers but I don't think they really ever read because they don't post comments which is fine.

Another thing that came to mind is that people my family in particular always say things like maybe you and him will get back together or he will come around. Why would I want to get back with someone who caused me so much pain. I mean really why? He left me at the most scariest part of my life.

My baby's heart is.....................

is fine! I was so scared that something was wrong but praise to God she is fine. I just put it in his hands and he answered my prayers. God is good isn't he? The people at the Nemours clinic were so sweet and calm to me. I was like the first patient to go back I think,well pregnant patient. McKenzie is my little diva though. She had her hand up as to say,"Please no camera." lol . She was also sucking her itty bitty thumb. My mom said she has to stop that lol. It was so cute. Her dad came alone and was smiling and looking at me. I was happy that he came. As always he has to hug all up on me and me well I hugged him back but with little emotion. I can't have emotions anymore with him, it hurts too bad to have them.

My mother said she can tell he still cares. Well he can care all day I still can not be hurt anymore. I am emotionally exhausted. McKenzie's great great great grandma is in the hospital, she could everyone keep her in your prayers? Thanks.

Well

Tomorrow I will go in for the feta echo to see what's going on with my baby's heart. I have been praying every night that it is fine and if it's not I hope the doctors that God have put on this Earth will be able to fix the problems. I truly hate that if it is something wrong she will have to go through all of this and that crap but as long as she can live I am happy. I am so nervous about tomorrow. On top of that I have to get up about 7am to be ready whew. I am not a morning person lol. I don't know if her dad is coming. He said he would meet us there but I doubt it. I mean he is so into this new girl that he does not have time for her. Oh well you can't make everyone do right or see how precious a life is.

Hot Hot Hot day

So today has been a boring and hot day lol well mostly hot. I was able to send off my money order for Avon, yeah I am a seller who is definitely not making much and I went to my brother's game and sold my Sims 3 game, need the moolah. I have been thinking about getting my own little place for me and McKenzie, so she can have her own space. Also of course my mom's boyfriend gets on my last nerve but I try to keep the peace so I really don't tell her. I think it is time for me to get on my own though. I am 21 and just want my own space with no problems, you know?

Other news I talked to Mr.Walk out on a chick and he agreed that he would go to Lamaze classes with me. I also told him how I need him to be there as her father,parent and not someone else and he said he will be there. I take that as a grain of salt coming from the same noble guy who told me he would not walk out on me, go figure.

It's hard being single when you are pregnant. I mean I always thought I would be married and have someone there for me. I always smile when I see a guy out with his pregnant wife or girlfriend and be loving to her. Something that I won't get to experience. When my back hurts it really hits me because I wish I had that caring person to rub my back or when she kicks I wish her dad could be there to feel it.

Doctor's appointment

Sorry I did not update but I have just been very worried, stressed about what my doctor told me about McKenzie's heart. She told me not to worry but ha ha worry is my middle name. The ultrasound tech saw something that did not look right and that is one of Mckenzie's heart valves is different from other babies and she has fluid around her heart. She told me that her nurse is suppose to be calling to set up an appointment with me so I can go see a pediatric heart specialist. There I will get a fetal echo of her heart, just a thorough ultrasound to see what is wrong, or if it is anything to be alarmed about at all.

I am very scared,worried, and nervous about what maybe wrong because I really don't know what's wrong. My mother keeps telling me do not worry just put it in God's hands and I try but it is so hard. She is just a tiny baby who has not even had her first breath into this world and something may be wrong with her heart. It is really hurting me. I don't want my baby to have to go through this. O just pray that she is okay or if it is something wrong it can be fixed. I wish the nurse would hurry up and call me.

Other than my baby's heart, the doctor said everything else looks fine. My little lady is 2lbs 5 ounces and likes to lay across mommy's stomach and not be bothered. I love her so much already.

Sometimes you just need to let go to be happy

Exactly what I am learning. To let go of the fact that McKenzie's dad Tearell will never realize how much I love him, never realize how much he hurt me and that in order for me to be happy, I will have to let go. I think that is also part of my sadness. Saturday when he came I realized how much I missed him, and was surprised when he asked for a hug but I know it is all a game. I just hope out of everything he is there for McKenzie.

I do wonder though how will he be there for her when she is born and he couldn't even do it now. I feel so just alone with this. I wish I had someone to text me and say, I love you baby and I can't wait to meet our daughter, or say I am looking at a house or an apartment for all three of us, or to even ask will you marry me. Too bad those are all dreams that will never come true for me. I hope one day I will be able to enjoy pregnancy with someone who is in love with me and who will not walk out on me. Someone who will be there at night to rub my achey back and to just be patient with me and let me know I am the only woman he has a heart for and eyes. Most of all I want it for my daughter. I want her to be with someone who will stick by her side and not leave her.

It might not have happen for me but I do want it to happen for her.

Didn't really think that was going to follow through

Well he brought her some cute outfits and I really do appreciate it. It shows me that he cares a little. He even gave me a hug and rubbed my belly. McKenzie I wish your parents could get it together for you but I know it won't happen. : (