One of my sad days

I guess today is one of my sad days and how I wish there were more single mothers on my due date board. I feel so out of place among them sometimes. They all talk about how sweet their significant other is while me I can't talk about how sweet my significant other is because he is non existant. I am happy they all have the support and someone there working beside them getting things ready for the new baby. I wanted things to be like that for McKenzie but it did not work out like that.

I cry sometimes when I see the mom's from my due date club make posts about their husband,fiancee, or boyfriend doing this or that for them. I know how pathetic huh? But it hurts. Than on top of that I am glad they don't have to feel like me and cry almost every day.

This blog helps me so much. I have people that are listed as followers but I don't think they really ever read because they don't post comments which is fine.

Another thing that came to mind is that people my family in particular always say things like maybe you and him will get back together or he will come around. Why would I want to get back with someone who caused me so much pain. I mean really why? He left me at the most scariest part of my life.

My baby's heart is.....................

is fine! I was so scared that something was wrong but praise to God she is fine. I just put it in his hands and he answered my prayers. God is good isn't he? The people at the Nemours clinic were so sweet and calm to me. I was like the first patient to go back I think,well pregnant patient. McKenzie is my little diva though. She had her hand up as to say,"Please no camera." lol . She was also sucking her itty bitty thumb. My mom said she has to stop that lol. It was so cute. Her dad came alone and was smiling and looking at me. I was happy that he came. As always he has to hug all up on me and me well I hugged him back but with little emotion. I can't have emotions anymore with him, it hurts too bad to have them.

My mother said she can tell he still cares. Well he can care all day I still can not be hurt anymore. I am emotionally exhausted. McKenzie's great great great grandma is in the hospital, she could everyone keep her in your prayers? Thanks.

Well

Tomorrow I will go in for the feta echo to see what's going on with my baby's heart. I have been praying every night that it is fine and if it's not I hope the doctors that God have put on this Earth will be able to fix the problems. I truly hate that if it is something wrong she will have to go through all of this and that crap but as long as she can live I am happy. I am so nervous about tomorrow. On top of that I have to get up about 7am to be ready whew. I am not a morning person lol. I don't know if her dad is coming. He said he would meet us there but I doubt it. I mean he is so into this new girl that he does not have time for her. Oh well you can't make everyone do right or see how precious a life is.

Hot Hot Hot day

So today has been a boring and hot day lol well mostly hot. I was able to send off my money order for Avon, yeah I am a seller who is definitely not making much and I went to my brother's game and sold my Sims 3 game, need the moolah. I have been thinking about getting my own little place for me and McKenzie, so she can have her own space. Also of course my mom's boyfriend gets on my last nerve but I try to keep the peace so I really don't tell her. I think it is time for me to get on my own though. I am 21 and just want my own space with no problems, you know?

Other news I talked to Mr.Walk out on a chick and he agreed that he would go to Lamaze classes with me. I also told him how I need him to be there as her father,parent and not someone else and he said he will be there. I take that as a grain of salt coming from the same noble guy who told me he would not walk out on me, go figure.

It's hard being single when you are pregnant. I mean I always thought I would be married and have someone there for me. I always smile when I see a guy out with his pregnant wife or girlfriend and be loving to her. Something that I won't get to experience. When my back hurts it really hits me because I wish I had that caring person to rub my back or when she kicks I wish her dad could be there to feel it.

Doctor's appointment

Sorry I did not update but I have just been very worried, stressed about what my doctor told me about McKenzie's heart. She told me not to worry but ha ha worry is my middle name. The ultrasound tech saw something that did not look right and that is one of Mckenzie's heart valves is different from other babies and she has fluid around her heart. She told me that her nurse is suppose to be calling to set up an appointment with me so I can go see a pediatric heart specialist. There I will get a fetal echo of her heart, just a thorough ultrasound to see what is wrong, or if it is anything to be alarmed about at all.

I am very scared,worried, and nervous about what maybe wrong because I really don't know what's wrong. My mother keeps telling me do not worry just put it in God's hands and I try but it is so hard. She is just a tiny baby who has not even had her first breath into this world and something may be wrong with her heart. It is really hurting me. I don't want my baby to have to go through this. O just pray that she is okay or if it is something wrong it can be fixed. I wish the nurse would hurry up and call me.

Other than my baby's heart, the doctor said everything else looks fine. My little lady is 2lbs 5 ounces and likes to lay across mommy's stomach and not be bothered. I love her so much already.

Sometimes you just need to let go to be happy

Exactly what I am learning. To let go of the fact that McKenzie's dad Tearell will never realize how much I love him, never realize how much he hurt me and that in order for me to be happy, I will have to let go. I think that is also part of my sadness. Saturday when he came I realized how much I missed him, and was surprised when he asked for a hug but I know it is all a game. I just hope out of everything he is there for McKenzie.

I do wonder though how will he be there for her when she is born and he couldn't even do it now. I feel so just alone with this. I wish I had someone to text me and say, I love you baby and I can't wait to meet our daughter, or say I am looking at a house or an apartment for all three of us, or to even ask will you marry me. Too bad those are all dreams that will never come true for me. I hope one day I will be able to enjoy pregnancy with someone who is in love with me and who will not walk out on me. Someone who will be there at night to rub my achey back and to just be patient with me and let me know I am the only woman he has a heart for and eyes. Most of all I want it for my daughter. I want her to be with someone who will stick by her side and not leave her.

It might not have happen for me but I do want it to happen for her.

Didn't really think that was going to follow through

Well he brought her some cute outfits and I really do appreciate it. It shows me that he cares a little. He even gave me a hug and rubbed my belly. McKenzie I wish your parents could get it together for you but I know it won't happen. : (

No where to stay

McKenzie's father told me that his family told him he has to move and he is now living with his aunt and you know for once in my life, I don't give a damn! I don't care if he is homeless, I don't care if he never finds a place to stay. Maybe it is the way I am feeling right now maybe I am just plain heartless.

He could have had a place to stay, he could have had a lot but he chose to walk out on someone who was pregnant with his child and loved him with all of her heart. Even when I thought I didn't love him I did. Nothing I say means anything to him though. Like he said it's what he wants so whatever floats his boat.

I'm out!

Well

Well McKenzie's dad called yesterday asking me how I was doing. He also asked what am I doing Saturday so he could take me to get a few outfits for her. We will how this goes. I don't think he will follow through with it. His new main thing may have something planned for him. I really ate to get in that van, the van that she was driving and the van that I was disrespected in. I also told him when we talked on facebook the other night that he does not know how I feel. He said I am sorry I don't. I asked him was he going to have in part in this pregnancy or just take the easy out? He said he will be there for me if I let him. Hmm well why would you walk out if you supposedly can be there.

Like I said I really do not think he uses his brain at all because the things he says really does not add up. I really wish he would wake up and smell the coffee but we all know that won't happen.

Anyway McKenzie is kicking a lot more now. When I sit in the tub I can see her kicking. It is pretty cool to watch. Also late at night since this little woman is a night owl when I touch my belly or give it a little shake she kicks hard back. lol. I guess she wants mommy to leave her alone. I really,really hope and pray my baby girl sleeps at night for me. I love to sleep! I will have to change so many of my bad ways lol but that is what parenthood does to you. I am happy though I have my mom. I guess we will be a co-parenting team in a way. Thank God for mothers!

Taking the Easy Way Out

If you truly think about it that is what these wannabe men are doing who decide to walk out on you and your baby. They are taking the easy way out. They don't have to deal with anything . They move on with their lives and start something new with someone else while you are left pregnant and alone and they don't give a you know what about you. They always say I will be there for my baby, well I guess that means when the baby comes because I haven't heard a word from him since he moved on with his new main thing. No call, text nothing just pure I am not going to be there until my kid is here.

It doesn't matter how you stress it to these weak minded men they still are in it for them only. I know McKenzie's dad doesn't give a monkey's poop about me. He has not brought one thing for McKenzie. He use to take me grocery shopping, that does not even happen. Why because he is a sorry excuse for a man. I wish we could leave them pregnant and alone and show them how it feels. You have all these hormones and emotions causing you to cry everyday. I admit I cry everyday because I feel so alone. The one guy who I thought would be there for me does not find me worth it anymore and has made plans with someone else. It hurts so bad when I think about it but every day you will find me praying to God to give me strength to stay strong for my daughter. God knows it is hard. You are trying to think about how you going to do this, how will you do that.

I see why God said that sex is for marriage. I mean yes husbands walk out on their wives too but at least you have a lower chance of the man you married walking out on you. I wish I would have not had sex and just kept waiting for the right man to come to me but than again I don't because I would not have this beautiful blessing growing inside of me. But I wish she could have been born into better circumstances. I had no clue he would do this to me but than again he has done it before. This time it will not be no coming back. A lot of people say he will want to but like I said before I doubt it. I know he will get mad at the child support he will be ordered to pay but hey you was happy when we were making her be happy to pay up.

I remember that was one of the questions he asked me. Are you going to put me on child support. At the time I was like why would I when we will be together helping each other out. I guess he knew his plans already. I know he probably told his new main thing bad stuff about me, like I could trust him, and that he did not want to be with me but besides all that he should tell how he lied to me and did not find McKenzie worth it to raise her in a two family home. Actions speak louder than words.

Thinking a lot today

Today has been think hard day I think lol. I have just been thinking about how everything has rolled out. I think about how my mom may have felt when my dad walked out on us. Now the same thing has happened to his daughter and he is not happy about it. I guess what goes around comes around huh?

I wish I did not have to mope around so much but I know things will get better. I want to just let all of my emotions out now. Different people keep saying that he will realize what he is missing out on but to be honest, I do not want him to realize it. Why because well after all the hurt he has caused me, I am so done and over him. There is nothing he can say or do to make me believe him or ever feel the way I use to about him. I tried so hard and ended up with nothing. I am sick of giving my all and ending up with a broken heart.

I read something on either facebook or yahoo that most black men will walk out on their family. I am not one to believe stuff like this but I am starting to now more and more. My dad walked out on us, my sister husband walked out them, and well here I am McKenzie's father has walked out on us. It is a never-ending cycle it seems. I thought I would be the one to end but no not me. Maybe my niece or McKenzie can end it, even my brothers.

Well I am about to do some more reading so until next time. Keep the strength and stay strong. God bless.

Well I guess it would happen sooner or later

So I am a single mom now. I guess some people probably saw it coming but me I saw it coming a long time ago. I had fallen out of love with him after wards but tried to keep the love alive because as soon as the second line came across the stick, I started thinking not for myself but for my unborn child. The father on the other hand only thinks of his personal satisfaction. I wanted something totally different for my daughter. Something that I did not have and that is being raised in a two family home. I was raised by my mom. My father was in the Navy and away a lot and he missed a lot of the things I wished he could have been there for. He will tell you in a heartbeat that he did and he also apologized for it. I know my baby girl will go through the same thing but I am ready for it. I will be able to relate to her a lot. My mother was raised in a two family home. She understands but she can not really relate. : )

McKenzie's dad well we had our issues from the beginning. He would always be trying to talk to others girls on My space or I would see texts from this and that girl and he would swear it was nothing. Even after I got pregnant he still would not do right by me. I will admit I do have trust issues but come on what woman will put up with texting different women and sending them pictures of you and the woman sending naked, lingerie pictures? Don't get me wrong we had our good times too, hey we have McKenzie on the way but I knew we would not go far. I don't think he ever loved me enough. His own brother told me that McKenzie's dad would break my heart and he did exactly that.

February we broke up. I could not deal with the whole texting thing it was too much. Next thing you know we were talking again and also having sex and just trying to get our crap together. He was taking me to doctor appointments, out to eat, shopping we were doing great. I was trying to help him find a job. I even agreed to help him with his writing so he could get his GED. Than kaboom last Friday I see him with a girl driving his van and texted him asking who was she and the girl texts back and says she is his girl and that he was not entitled to me anymore and some other crap. My heart literally dropped. Here we were well I was trying to get things together so we could have a family and he was still doing what he has always done, talking to other girls and not giving a care about his family. I even asked him was it worth losing his family and his answer was YES.

He says he will be there for his child on her sick and bad days, exactly how he said it. I asked how? That is impossible to do when you have move on. I will be there for everything. I can not name a time my dad was there for me when I was sick. Hey I guess he is super dad and can do all of this right?

I will admit I had fallen out of love with McKenzie's dad, but like I said I started thinking about her and not me. I wanted a family for her not me. I asked him what will you tell her when she asks you why did you leave? He didn't reply back.

It's hurting to be pregnant and alone and the one guy who you thought would be there for you decides that the grass is greener on the other side. I try to put myself in a man's shoes and I just can't see myself leaving the mother of my child for anyone. I would not even be interested in anyone else. I would marry her not because of my child but because I love her and I want to be there by her side. I look at all the women who have the guys by their side and I say you are truly blessed. Especially if he is doing right by you and the children you are truly blessed.

My babygirl knows when mommy is sad she has been kicking so much lately. Especially when I start crying. I try to be tough and strong but it is hard. It seems like everything came crashing down on me at once. I truly thought this man loved me and that he was going to be there for me and we would eventually move into our own place and get married. So much for thinking huh?

Until next time stay strong single mommies and pray my strength in the lord. God Bless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EspCzgXH0o0